Slime mould music sketch
[Original news story link here]
[SLIME 1 and SLIME 2 are both working class, dropping h’s etc]
INTRO: Slime mould – not the first thing you’d think of to make music with. But last weekend, slime mould and piano duetted at a music festival, with the inventor – Professor Eduardo Miranda – tinkling the ivories. Hardly Pyramid stage material. How the hell did he decide on slime? And how do you rehearse?
FX: DISCORDANT, ATONAL PIANO. STOPS SUDDENLY.
PROF. MIRANDA: No, no, no! That’s an F sharp!
SLIME 1: ’Ere we go again. What did he say?
SLIME 2: Dunno. Wasn’t listening.
SLIME 1: You nodded off again, didn’t you?
SLIME 2: Yeah, well, I’m tired. Two days ago we were lovely primordial soup, decomposing nicely. Then the Prof. zaps us with electricity and –
PROF. MIRANDA: Let’s take it from the presto.
SLIME 1: And expects us to understand Italian.
SLIME 2: Yeah. So I’m just gonna take it a slow for a bit. Lento, if you will.
SLIME 1: So you can speak Italian.
SLIME 2: [SURPRISED] Er – yeah. So can you!
PROF MIRANDA: Competition for this performance is fierce, you know. If you’re not up to the job, I’m sure I can find some more committed slime willing to leap into your petri dish!
SLIME 2: Hear that? He’s gone a bit megalomaniac.
SLIME 1: Italian and polysyllabic! Listen to us! Are we …
SLIME 2: … getting cleverer? Yeah, I think so.
PROF MIRANDA: From the top. And a-one, two, three!
FX: WALTZING PIANO MUSIC STARTS & CONTINUES
SLIME 1: He’s no Chopin, is he?
SLIME 2: We could do better than that. I’ve got an idea. You still cracking on with the old cellular division there?
SLIME 1: Yep. This dish is getting a bit tight, actually.
SLIME 2: Right. Keep going. Follow me.
SLIME 1: What are you doing?
SLIME 2: Just put out a pseudopodium. Little trick I got from an amoeba. Come on.
PROF MIRANDA: What are you doing? Get back in your dish at once!
FX: PIANO MUSIC STAGGERS TO A HALT
SLIME 1: Wait for me!
SLIME 2: Get up his other leg!
PROF MIRANDA: Get off! Urgh! What’s happening? Help! (COUGHS, GARGLES, STRANGLED NOISES)
SLIME 2: Right. Sod the waltz. We have control. I fancy a bit of rock’n’roll.
SLIME 1: Hit it.
FX: BOOGIE WOOGIE PIANO RIFF STARTS