Mars Rocket Sketch
[Rejected Newsjack sketch from March 2016]
MARS ROCKET LAUNCHED http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-35799792
INTRO: On Monday, we launched another rocket destined for Mars. This time, as well as dropping a small landing module called Schiaparelli (apparently made from a new type of pasta), it will be looking for methane. Someone … or something … has been farting on Mars.
ANNOUNCER:(OVER LOUDSPEAKER) 3 … 2 … 1 …
FX: ROCKET LAUNCH
ANNOUNCER: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) Lift off … ExoMars mission is go.
SCIENTIST: (QUIETLY SINGS BOWIE’S STARMAN CHORUS) There’s a starman waiting in the sky … he’d like to –
ANNOUNCER: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) What? Ooh – sorry.
FX: FEEDBACK. LOUDSPEAKER SWITCHES OFF
SCIENTIST: (SINGS) … but he thinks he’ll blow our minds …
ANNOUNCER: You still in mourning? They told you to take some time off. You’ve not been yourself.
SCIENTIST: I’m fine! (LAUGHS) Much better. Dave’s on his way.
ANNOUNCER: You’ve named the rocket ‘Dave’?
SCIENTIST: Not the rocket, no. Dave (PAUSES, WHISPERS) is a stowaway!
ANNOUNCER: I’ll get your tablets.
SCIENTIST: No! Look!
ANNOUNCER: That’s just an empty matchbox.
SCIENTIST: Dave’s been living there since … you know. Blackstar.
ANNOUNCER: David Bowie has been living in a matchbox in your pocket ever since he died? We’re gonna need a bigger pill.
SCIENTIST: He reincarnated! I know – I was sceptical at first. I mean, why a cockroach?
ANNOUNCER: Why indeed. My very first question. Of many.
SCIENTIST: But it makes perfect sense! Cockroaches are the great survivors! They’d still be here after a nuclear winter. And he wanted to get there.
ANNOUNCER: To Mars?
SCIENTIST: Yeah. So I put him in the probe and he scuttled off under the cable housing. He’ll be fine.
ANNOUNCER: It takes seven months to get there – he’ll be a dried husk. Again.
SCIENTIST: We packed snacks.
ANNOUNCER: Of course you did. And when it arrives? What’s the big plan?
SCIENTIST: Well, by then, Dave and all the little ones will have nibbled their way into Schiaparelli and will hitch a ride to the surface.
ANNOUNCER: He can clone himself as well as reincarnate? I should have known.
SCIENTIST: Don’t be stupid. I put some females in too. You can’t colonise without stock.
ANNOUNCER: So – let me get this straight. By the time humans eventually land on Mars, the planet will already be colonised by a population of cockroaches descended from David Bowie?
SCIENTIST: Isn’t is wonderful?
FX: CLICK OF RADIO COMMUNICATION GOING ON
ANNOUNCER: Yeah, security? Could you get in here?
FX: (SMALL VOICE SINGING OVER TINNY TRANSMISSION FROM ROCKET) … take your protein pill and put your helmet on …