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INTRO: The Government has promised broadband coverage across the country by 2022, but rural bits of the country still exist exclusively on Nigel Farage and The Archers. They’ve decided to harness the power of the Lord to help everyone get that urgent You Tube video that would bring them fulfilment. Yes, Rent-a-Spire is here.
ARCHERS THEME TUNE BRIEFLY. THEN FADES OUT
OLD YOKEL: Afternoon, Vicar. What you got there then?
VICAR: Hello Joe! This is my new interactive screen. Thought I’d spice up sermons by dropping a few woke beats into Matthew Chapter 8.
OLD YOKEL: Ah yes, Ethel said you’d been on the cider. (CALLS) Didn’t you, Ethel?
FX: RUSTLE OF GRASS/TWIGS AS SOMEONE JUMPS OUT OF UNDERGROWTH
ETHEL: I said no such thing Joe Grumbly. Afternoon, Vicar.
VICAR: You don’t need to curtsey, Ethel.
OLD YOKEL: She’s not. It’s that zumba madness what’s sweeping the village.
ETHEL: My online zumba teacher says we need to practise.
OLD YOKEL: Why can’t you get a hip replacement like everyone else?
VICAR: I must say, this new connectivity is transformative. Like God’s love. Ooh – that’s good. I’ll get that in next Sunday.
ETHEL: You need some good one-liners. The back four pews were all on Mario Kart last week.
OLD YOKEL: Not like the old days, when you could do a bit of brimstone and frighten everyone into behaving.
VICAR: Oh, I don’t agree with brimstone. God is everywhere.
ETHEL: So is Twitter now.
VICAR: I must say I hadn’t foreseen being fact-checked in real time.
OLD YOKEL: They didn’t mean no harm. But if you’re going to quote an omnipotent being whose top tips take no account of modern multicultural life then you’re going to have to be robust in your pushback.
ETHEL: Have you been on those Black Panther message boards again?
VICAR: Anyway, see you both on Sunday?
ETHEL: Oh yes. Coffee in the hall after? Don’t worry, it’s organic fair trade.
OLD YOKEL: Let’s not go too far though. Still made by our wives