INTRO: In the latest ‘how do we make millennials feel shit’ story, we learn that seven out of ten will be fat by the time they reach middle age. Cancer Research UK says being fat is linked to 13 kinds of cancer. I bet Cancer Research is a barrel of laughs at dinner when you fancy some tiramisu. But if we study millennials, we find their behaviour is totally logical.
FX: BUSY CAFE BACKGROUND NOISE
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Here, in the overpopulated coffee shops of the inner city, we see vast herds of millennials in their natural habitat, grazing on wild blueberry muffins and avocado toast. As our planet grows ever warmer, they are preparing for what will be, for some, the hardest journey of their young lives.
MILLENNIAL 1: It says here, yeah, that we’ll need to float for maybe like weeks?
MILLENNIAL 2: We just need to like get out of the river basin? The Thames has already flooded London.
MILLENNIAL 1: Yeah I saw. Rank. All those drowning MPs.
MILLENNIAL 2: Well, they shouldn’t have stayed with Jacob Rees-Mogg. Honestly, calling him The Cnut of Our Time was … at best dyslexic.
MILLENNIAL 1: So, right, this seal blubber index reckons we need to get at least 60% to get a workable buoyancy ratio.
MILLENNIAL 2: OK. I’ll get my round. Double whip hot chocolates and millionaire shortbread?
ATTENBOROUGH: And so, the herd works tirelessly in the days that remain, piling on those life-saving, buoyant pounds that could float them upstream to a drier future, where they can raise their young amid the green shoots of sunny uplands foretold by their boomer ancestors.
MILLENNIAL 1: (CHEWING WITH MOUTH FULL) I heard some of the downstream guys lashed a set of Gwynneth Paltrows into a raft. Didn’t work though.
MILLENNIAL 2: (ALSO CHEWING) They’re idiots – achieving your leanest livable weight is great for dry land. Hopeless for rafts.
ATTENBOROUGH: So we leave the herd for the final time. They won’t all survive, of course. If only there had been some kind of education programme their parents could have watched to warn them about the oncoming climate disaster. Though, any world without Mr Rees-Mogg must be, by definition, a better one.