Fleas at Crufts sketch

SFX: DOGS BARKING, CROWD SOUNDS ETC

ANNOUNCER ON PA: And so we wait for the judge’s final decision for Best In Show.

BOB (FLEA): See anything up there, Terry?

TERRY (FLEA): (FAR AWAY) Nah. Hopeless. Hairspray’s makin’ me eyes water.

BOB: I said the poodle would be a mistake.

TERRY: (FAR AWAY) You don’t like wiry hair! I was doing you a favour!

SFX: DOG SHAKES VIGOROUSLY: EARS/MUZZLE FLAPPING

BOB: Whoa!

TERRY: (FAR AWAY) Bob! Bob! You ok?

BOB: That was close.

TERRY: (FAR AWAY) I’ll come down.

ANNOUNCER ON PA: And each dog strides out one last time.

TERRY: (CLIMBS DOWN TO BOB’S LEVEL, WITH EXERTION. NOW CLOSE.) Hear that? We’ve got one last run.

BOB: I wish Penelope …

TERRY: She’s gone. That’s women for you. She thought the wolfhound would win. I kept saying it’s just a Twitter popularity storm.

BOB: Look – there she goes!

PENELOPE: Coo-eee! Hello boys! Still think your nancy back-comb will beat this hunk of muscle …?

BOB: She might be right. Is it too late to switch?

TERRY: Sit tight.

BOB: I’m hungry.

TERRY: Didn’t you have lunch on the Pomeranian?

BOB: That was ages ago!

TERRY: Well, you can’t snack now. Hang on.

SFX: LEAD JANGLING AS DOG TROTS. WIND WHISTLING PAST.

BOB: (JERKY VOICE AS BEING BOUNCED AROUND) I’ll never … get used … to this bit.

TERRY: Penelope’s not … looking so smug … now!

ANNOUNCER ON PA: And yes! It’s the poodle!

SFX: CROWD APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

TERRY: We did it!

BOB: We won? Really?

TERRY: (YELLING) Oi, Penelope! Who’s sitting pretty now?

BOB: Don’t gloat. Oh no! Look!

TERRY: That wolfhound’s got a killer scratch on him.

BOB: There she goes! Do something!

TERRY: She might … oh. Oh dear.

BOB: What? I can’t see.

TERRY: Come away. Nothing we can do. One minute you’re having a snack, next you’re under a handler’s size tens.

BOB: Poor Penelope.

TERRY: Never mind that. Smile! Front page news tomorrow. I love Crufts. We’ll bring up our kids on a Champion!