Paxman Statin sketch
[This sketch was in response to a news story questioning the efficacy of statins. I like to think Newsjack didn’t use it because of its profligate use of expensive music.]
ANNOUNCER: Every day we get another medical survey. We deployed Jeremy Paxman to find out the truth about statins, which apparently can kill us now.
JEREMY PAXMAN: (EXASPERATED AT INTERVIEWEE) My producer said these statistics would quote do my head in unquote. But then he doesn’t know about World War I and can’t grow a beard. Just explain them to me in a way I and our listeners will understand.
DOCTOR: Seven million people take statins. That’s one in ten of us.
GRAMS: UB40’s ‘ONE IN TEN’: JUST THE ‘I AM A ONE IN TEN’ LYRIC
DOCTOR: That one in ten have a one in five risk of heart disease …
GRAMS: CBEEBIES’ MR TUMBLE SINGING ‘FIVE CURRENT BUNS IN A BAKER’S SHOP’
DOCTOR: … in the next ten years.
GRAMS: TENPOLE TUDOR SONG EXERPT ‘SWORDS OF A THOUSAND MEN’ LYRIC
JEREMY PAXMAN: That’s a thousand men, not ten years. Have you overruled your own statistician?
DOCTOR: The NHS spends £450 million on statins every year.
GRAMS: WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE “LIGHTS DOWN” MUSIC
JEREMY PAXMAN: This is ridiculous.
DOCTOR: Twenty percent of people taking statins have disabling side-effects. That’s twenty percent of the ten percent of all of us.
GRAMS: NEW SEEKERS ‘IF I COULD TEACH THE WORLD TO SING’ SONG
JEREMY PAXMAN: You’re unhinged. Did you threaten to overrule him?
DOCTOR: There will be unnecessary heart attacks and strokes.
JEREMY PAXMAN: As opposed to necessary ones? I can feel one coming on now.
DOCTOR: Well, don’t take statins – they won’t help. Here’s some relaxing whale music.
GRAMS: MALE VOICE CHOIR SINGING ‘LAND OF MY FATHERS’. FADE.