3 CHARACTERS: SCHOOL HEAD, BARTLETT (PUPIL) & ENGLISH TEACHER
FX: SCHOOL ACOUSTIC (KIDS RUNNING/SHOUTING, DOORS SLAMMING. SCHOOL BELL RINGS. EVERYTHING QUIETENS DOWN.)
HEAD: Bartlett, I thought I made it clear: any more of this means expulsion from the school.
BARTLETT: Calling me a fool?
HEAD: I’m warning you …
ENGLISH T: You see? He can’t help it. We’ve been doing so much poetry this term. He’s absorbed it too fast …
BARTLETT: Couldn’t be arsed!
ENGLISH T: [DOGGEDLY CARRYING ON] … he feels compelled to complete rhyming couplets.
BARTLETT: Pinecone chicklets!
HEAD: That doesn’t even rhyme.
ENGLISH T: He’s exploring assonance.
HEAD: It’s all very well, but I’ve had complaints. Yesterday at lunch Mr Franklin asked for mushy peas and Bartlett said he was ‘mired in sleaze’.
ENGLISH T: Well, he is Head of Politics.
BARTLETT: Lemon rubber tits!
HEAD: Shut up!
ENGLISH T: He needs help, not abuse. I feel responsible. If I hadn’t enthused so much about the metaphysical poets …
HEAD: We don’t all read Blake and get Tourette’s!
BARTLETT: Badger sex!
HEAD: Get out.
ENGLISH T: Can’t I leave him in the library for now? It’s quiet there. He can’t copy anyone.
BARTLETT: Up your bum!
HEAD: [SIGHS] All right. Let’s see if this wears off. Last chance.
ENGLISH T: Thank you. Come on, Bartlett. How about that?
BARTLETT: [LEAVING THE ROOM] What a tw –
FX: DOOR SLAMS SHUT