Shopping bag sketch

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ANNOUNCER: This week Scotland starts to charge a minimum of 5p for plastic shopping bags. How will this go down in a country famed for its careful economic parsimony? I’m not saying they’re tight. I’m not saying that.

HAMISH: Ah, good morning Edie! Out shopping despite the driech weather?

EDIE: Aye, Hamish. We’ve no more porridge oats.

HAMISH: That’s a very traditional breakfast you have there, Edie.

EDIE: Och, it’s for the rabbit. We have bacon and eggs like normal people.

HAMISH: And I see you’re prepared for the bag charge.

EDIE: Aye. I’m not spending more than I need to. Our belt is tighter than a crackhead’s tourniquet.

HAMISH: A fine image, Edie. But don’t you find dragging that bathtub a bit of a chore?

EDIE: My biceps were honed as a girl, when I used to help ma Da lift all our sheep to market.

HAMISH: Aye, I remember your Da. He was never one to pay out on a trailer. You and your sisters were famed for your power:weight ratios.

EDIE: And I see you’re not planning to pay either? You’ll never get that balloon into the supermarket. What’s it filled with?

HAMISH: Hydrogen. Aye, it does tower over our heeds, right enough. But to get the lift, you see, you have to think big. I can fit all my shopping into this basket and not have to carry it home!

EDIE: But surely to god you shouldn’t be smoking, Hamish?

HAMISH: Ach, we’ve a breeze. It’ll be ok. See you later then, Edie.

EDIE: Aye, good morning, Hamish.