INTRO: British people love the weather, complaining and queuing. So what better time of year than this, when a sudden cold snap takes us all by surprise, again. Every news outlet sends a hapless weather reporter out into the elements, to find out exactly how freezing it is and how the fact we can’t drive in 1cm of snow causes British gridlock. Every year. Because for some reason you can’t do that watching footage from a warm studio.
NEWS ANCHOR: So now it’s over to Windswept Alex, who is standing on the hard shoulder of the M20 in Kent. Alex?
FX: HOWLING WIND
ALEX: (RAISED VOICE AGAINST THE WIND) Yes, I’m here. It’s minus eleven degrees, and the snow has been falling all night. I’ve been here for four hours. My emergency pasty has frozen.
NEWS ANCHOR: And is this typical of early February?
ALEX: Yes, it is. Despite there being a so-called ‘winter event’ pretty much every year, we still need to have this confirmed by a professional like myself. I’ve been talking to people stuck in their cars, having to put their lives on hold, some for a matter of minutes.
NEWS ANCHOR: And are their stories heartwarming?
ALEX: Their stories are heartwarming. If only the same could be said for my feet. Take Rebecca here.
FX: FOOTSTEPS SCRUNCHING OVER SNOW
ALEX (cont) She’s been trying to give birth in this snowbound traffic for the last half hour.
FX: KNOCK ON CAR WINDOW
ALEX (cont) Hi Rebecca! How are you doing?
REBECCA: (GROANS, PANTS) Can you time my contractions?
ALEX: No. I’m working. (TO NEWS ANCHOR AGAIN) So, as you can see, the circle of life is all around us, even on the M20.
NEWS ANCHOR: And how long will this go on?
ALEX: Well, the baby’s crowned now so not too … oh, the Met Office have warned that this week may well be the coldest so far this winter.
NEWS ANCHOR: Great! Well, we’ll check back with Alex after the news. Send us names for Rebecca’s little bundle of joy, hashtag BANDWAGON BABY. ‘Elsa’, ‘Anna’ and ‘Olaf’ are top of the leader board so far!
ALEX: Actually, I’d like to come back to the studio.
NEWS ANCHOR: (STERN) We need your eyes and ears on the ground there, Alex.
ALEX: But my ears have gone crunchy and my eyes are solidifying. Please.
NEWS ANCHOR: Aaaand that’s all we have time for! Join us after the break when we’ll find out how long it takes for a body to go into full hypothermia and the optimal temperature for a lifesaving pasty down the trousers.