Surrealist Parrot Sketch
2 CHARACTERS: ART BUYER & FORGER
FX: SHOP DOOR BELL TINGS AS DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS. SOUNDS OF PET SHOP, ESPECIALLY PARROT SQUAWKS
ART BUYER: Hello. I wish to register a complaint. Hello? Miss?
FORGER: Wrong sketch, mate.
FX: NEEDLE BEING SCRATCHED ACROSS RECORD. PET SHOP SOUNDS STOP.
ART BUYER: “Sketch” is a bit ambitious for what you sold me.
FORGER: Oh – ’ere we go. You lot come in ’ere, wanting knock-off art, no questions asked. I provide. My prices are reasonable. Now this.
ART BUYER: I got the impression you could paint.
FORGER: Not the impressionists, mate. I prefer your more modern stuff.
ART BUYER: All I asked for was a copy of The Scream. You gave me this.
FX: THUMP OF LARGE PAINTING BEING HEFTED ONTO COUNTER
FORGER: (REVERENTIALLY) Edvard Munch as I live and breathe.
ART BUYER: It looks like Doris Day pulling on a swimming hat. And you’ve coloured it in with crayon.
FORGER: Got the colours right, though. That Norwegian blue is difficult to mix.
ART BUYER: Don’t start.
FORGER: Be grateful I used genuine materials! Ever since elephant cack won the Turner Prize, the bottom’s dropped out the market. “As it were.”
ART BUYER: My three-year-old could do this.
FORGER: That’s hurtful.
ART BUYER: It’s Pollocks.
FORGER: That’s beneath you.
ART BUYER: Look, are you going to give me my money back or not?
FORGER: I’ve got this installation instead?
ART BUYER: That’s a urinal. [SNIFFS] Used, by the smell.
FORGER: Sprayed with formaldehyde for the full “Hirst effect”.
ART BUYER: That was Marcel Duchamp, not Hirst, you idiot.
FORGER: What, the mime bloke? He was trapped in a glass box, not a toilet!
ART BUYER: [SIGHS] Do you know anything about art?
FORGER: No. Here’s your refund. Sorry for wasting your time.
BUYER: That was unexpected.
FORGER: Actually, I’m arresting you for possession of a forgery. You’re nicked!
ART BUYER: Hang on – you can’t just switch genres like that! I hate surrealism.
FORGER: We make the rules, sunshine. Want a lift to the station on my giraffe?
FX: COCONUT HOOVES FADING OUT