Team Les Mis – Oscar debrief sketch

This sketch was written the week Les Miserables failed to win any important Oscars in 2013, despite being nominated for nearly all of them. See the Oscar results here. This was also the week that the horse lasagne story broke.

ANNOUNCER: It is late night after the Oscar party. JANE, RICHARD & SUSAN, three increasingly drunk members of Team Les Mis, are trying to debrief and work out what went wrong.

JANE: It’s because it wasn’t an Andrew Lloyd-Webber one, isn’t it?

RICHARD: (IRRITATED) He can’t write them all.

SUSAN: But he writes the ones that worm their irritating little songs into people’s heads.

JANE : (WISTFULLY) But we had songs …

RICHARD: Yep, but we didn’t win for Best Song, did we? That droning Welsh girl singing about apple crumble got Best Song. We’re a flippin’ MUSICAL and we didn’t win Best Song.

SUSAN: English.


SUSAN: Duffy’s the Welsh one. Adele’s from Tottenham.

JANE: (BRIGHTLY) We got one for Sound Mixing! That’s nearly the same, isn’t it?

RICHARD: That’s just saying we had a cast of tone-deaf bagpipes and twiddled some knobs to auto-tune them.

JANE: Oh. Well, we got one of the Big Four. Anne was Best Supporting Actress. (SLIGHTLY FEEBLY) Go us!

RICHARD: (GRUDGINGLY) That’s something.

SUSAN: Can’t help feeling the Yanks thought Shakespeare’s wife would bring a bit of class to the evening.

JANE: We should have got Hugh in there for something. He was wasted.

RICHARD: Well, he will mix champagne with whisky – never a good idea.

JANE: No, no. He’s so talented. That voice.

SUSAN: (DREAMILY) Those sideburns.

RICHARD: Maybe we should’ve got him to flash his knife-y fingers and done a mash-up with Nightmare On Elm Street. They love a bit of self-referential cinematic twaddle. They’re so up their own –

SUSAN: And we got Make Up and Hair Styling.

RICHARD: It was a blimmin’ costume drama! We didn’t win the Costume one, did we? Our lot were poncing about in nineteenth century France and all we got was one for the blood, acne and … (SEARCHES FOR WORD) bunches.

JANE: It’s hard to make something of rags.

RICHARD: Face it. It’s Titanic all over again – won everything but the acting stuff. We weren’t even nominated for Original Music Score! FOR A MUSICAL!

SUSAN: It’s not ideal.

JANE: Well, I thought Daniel was very gracious.

RICHARD: Stop changing the subject. He doesn’t know who he is any more. Did you see him, looking nervously over his shoulder? As if someone in the audience was going to shoot him?

JANE: And we all got goodie bags. They didn’t have to do that.

SUSAN: Have you seen what’s in them?

RICHARD: Let me guess: Day-Lewis’s toenail clippings from the wrap party and a phial of sea water from the unsinkable lifeboat of Pi?

JANE: So, it’s all over for another year. Let’s move on. Look forward. I was thinking – drama-documentary about an investigative reporter researching Shergar’s disappearance? Burger-tastic or what?