Turtle smuggling sketch

News story: turtle smuggler caught crossing US/Canada border 

ANNOUNCER: Think your commute is hard? Try being a turtle. US border police found 51 of them down a Canadian man’s trousers, taped to his legs. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘turtle wax’. He’s been charged with wildlife smuggling, and deliberately confusing people about whether he was just pleased to see them. The arrest must have been interesting.

SFX: POLICE SIREN. SIREN STOPS. CAR DOOR OPENS, THEN SLAMS. FOOTSTEPS SCRUNCH ON GRAVEL AND STOP.

US POLICE OFFICER: Would you step out of the car, please sir?

MAN: Is that really … (VOICE SUDDENLY GOES HIGH) necessary?

SFX: HORSE HOOVES GALLOPING TOWARDS US. THEY COME TO A HALT. HORSE NEIGHING.

US POLICE OFFICER: (CLOSE) Ah, jeez. (CALLS) Don’t you Mounties ever stop at the border?

CANADIAN MOUNTIE: Not when we can crowbar in a few national stereotypes, no. Officer, arrest that man!

US POLICE OFFICER: Ya think? C’mon, step outta the car, sir.

MAN: I can’t. I’m … (VOICE SUDDENLY HIGH AND QUAVERING) disabled.

CANADIAN MOUNTIE: Don’t believe him! I have him fixed with my blue-eyed repressed yet sexually charged stare, and have seen into his soul.

US POLICE OFFICER: Sir, if you don’t cooperate he’s just going to get more weird. It’s easier this way, believe me.

MAN: OK, OK.

SFX: CAR DOOR OPENS

US POLICE OFFICER: What the ..?

CANADIAN MOUNTIE: I told you!

US POLICE OFFICER: Your pants. They’re … moving.

SFX: HORSE NEIGHS

CANADIAN MOUNTIE: Nobody is stuck down a well, be quiet. Wrong genre.

SFX: HORSE NEIGHS AGAIN

CANADIAN MOUNTIE: What? A shell? Pardon me. I misheard.

SFX: HORSE SNORTS

US POLICE OFFICER: Can I just shoot him?

CANADIAN MOUNTIE: No need. This gentleman needs to remove his trousers.

US POLICE OFFICER: This isn’t the time or the place.

MAN: No! I just need the … (VOICE YODELS) … toilet.

SFX: FOOTSTEPS RUN, FOLLOWED BY HORSE HOOVES CHASING. FABRIC RIPPING. SILENCE.

US POLICE OFFICER: Ew. That’s disgusting.

CANADIAN MOUNTIE: Collateral damage, I’m afraid. Turtles aren’t made to bounce.

MAN: Get off me!

US POLICE OFFICER: I’m gonna have to relieve you of your turtles, sir. This is gonna sting.

CANADIAN MOUNTIE: A Mountie always gets his man. But this is the first time he’s going to be smoother than me.

SFX: STRIPS BEING RIPPED FROM MAN’S LEGS.

MAN: Ow!

SFX: REPEAT. FADE.